I-AM-FINALLY-FREE

I'm so guilty of this.  I joke around about ADHD and liken it to having my own personal "mind playground".  In many cases this is true.  I have to take a sleeping pill every night because if I didn't, I would never sleep.  I have so many worlds, characters, and just ideas in general swimming around in my mind at night.  It is utter chaos.  I will try to sleep and then I will get caught up in a whirlwind of magic and make believe.  It sounds whimsical and wonderful.  Some days it is.

But there are some days where all I want to do is go out, buy a gun, and blow my brains out.  With ADHD comes very little understanding, people without the condition abusing ADHD medication, many jokes from other people, and severe depression.  When I was in school I was convinced that I was stupid because a boy said "you use Ritalin, you must be stupid".  It didn't even matter that my grades said otherwise.  I thought that I must be stupid.  I couldn't focus or sit still if my life depended on it and to this day, my memory is complete and utter shit.  I'll make a check list but then I forget to look at it for days.  The only reason my bills get paid on time is because I'm so paranoid about forgetting them.  I try to be positive but I always wind up being negative.  I have a very bad temper.  A lot of this can be attributed to ADHD.

ADHD is often missed in adults as it shares so many same traits with depression that the depression will get treated but the ADHD will be completely missed.  In other words, without treating the whole problem, you're just covering it up.  You may as well take a placebo instead of a zoloft.  ADHD is made fun of, misunderstood, and over diagnosed to the point where of financial/work place assistance for it, there often isn't any to be had.  No one sees it as a disease.  They see it as someone who is lazy yet hyper and immature.  Considering ADHD can sometimes be misdiagnosed as BRAIN DAMAGE, I'd say that that's a pretty real and serious disease.

ADHD can impede upon one's ability to form lasting relationships romantic or otherwise.  This is incredibly painful for all who are involved, especially the person with ADHD as we're usually the ones who are dumped.  ADHD includes impulse control.  We can's shut our mouths and often cheat on our lovers.  ADHD increases the likeliness that the victim will become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.  My addiction?  Writing and the internet.  It's so bad that I come home right after work and get on my computer.  It's so bad that I will feel anxiety if I am not on my computer.  I'm amazed that I have the self-control to keep from surfing the internet at work.

Depression truly does cause physical pain.  When I'm happy I'm on the top of the world and so damn hyper it isn't funny.  When I'm depressed I want to curl up and disappear.  I don't even sleep.  I just lay there on the sofa and watch funny videos on youtube, hoping for a laugh, all the while my heart feels like a led weight because I'm suffering from writer's block.  Me!  The woman who needs to take sleeping pills to shut her brain up so she can sleep!

Do I care if you learn anything by my writing this?  No.
Do I expect people to stop taking ADHD as a joke?  Hell, I probably won't even do that!  I just needed to rant.
Will I actually blow my brains out?  Maybe one day...  I'm tired of feeling alone and helpless no matter how proactive I try to be about my ADHD and depression.
What am I doing to help my depression?  Writing, listening to "happy" music, working out, cooking, baking, jewelry making...  I only work part time so I have no insurance.  Obama care and the like is SO over priced in my area that it's just cheaper to take the fine.
Do I want attention/sympathy?  Not particularly, but I am on a soap box.  I'm going to get off now because my ass hurts, part of the fun of being part Japanese and not having an ass...

I more or less gave up on graphic/web design.  It wasn't my dream to begin with...  I was going to switch out from graphic design to art but I met an asshole and fell in love.  So I followed HIS dream (video game design), which, to my knowledge, he hasn't done jack shit with.  One day I would like to take art classes, learn how to play the violin, and take a mixed martial arts class.  But most of all I would love to get over my touch phobia, which came from being in a physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationship.  (Believe, me it took a lot of courage to come out and say this even though you have never seen my face and likely never will).

I am currently in school to become a medical secretary.  These classes are made for people who either just came out of high shcool or barely know English.  Needless to say, I'm getting straight A's and I'm extremely bored because these classes are too easy.  I will be entering my internship soon and I am really looking forward to it!

At present I have over twenty subjects that I have to research before I would feel comfortable enough to begin writing my novels.  I made them complex and hopefully somewhat realistic in their mental psychosis.  I made their world a dark and twisted one.  Novel one follows four insane college students.  They weren't originally insane but a man took drastic measures to save their lives yet at the same time left them slightly broken.  When word got out of their exhistance, war broke out.  Novel two picks up in the middle of the war.  There is a young assassin who is sent out on missions by her handler to try to end the war.  Turns out that things are not as they seem and the battle has only just begun...

I have no idea if I have more than two novels in me or if this could turn into a three part series, but I know that I am finally following MY dreams and having fun while doing so.  I'm also working on a children's story that my mother is illustrating, a dream diary, and a series of shorts stories, but my novels seemt o be taking center stage for now.  If I have any writer friends out there I would love to hear from you!

So I had landed a job at a pet store at a local mall in the rich part of town...  It lasted two weeks.  That's all the time they gave me to learn my way around the place.  Then they fired me, saying that while I was enthusiastic, I didn't know the job well enough.  Maybe I would've if they bothered to properly TRAIN ME I would've.

Here were their rules:

* Go around and say "Hi" to EVERYONE.  Everyone?  Really?  What about at lunch time when there are over 32 people crammed into our tiny store?  What do you want me to do, get a megaphone?  Maybe I said "hi" to all the wrong people because I chose to treat everyone as equals rather than just talk to the rich.
* "Go put that together".  No problem.  I got it mostly together but couldn't get the water bottle right and when I asked for help, "figure it out for yourself".  When I think I have it right they tell me that I have it backwards.  Someone FINALLY corrects me and it was EXACTLY the way I had it the first time I hooked it onto the cage.
* "Front the store" (put everything out of place in order) but "look after the costumers and the animals in the play pen so no one steals anything.  The merchandise is at the back of the store.  The puppies are in the front.  Anyone who does not have previous experience doesn't instantly know how to look after both at once while everyone else abandons their post.  I'm sorry but if its between a five dollar collar and a $2000 dollar dog.  I'm watching the dog.
* When people asked for rodents, fish, spiders, lizards, etc. I had no idea what to do because I wasn't SHOWN what to do so half of my commissions for the first week went to other people.

What I had to do:

* I had issues getting the store ready for customers.  I had to vacuum the floor, clean cages, feed animals, water animals, mist hermit crabs and certain species of lizards, check for dead animals, remove dead animals, etc. mostly BY MYSELF and then open the gate all in UNDER an hour!  Excuse me for being a little slow because I never did half of this before.
* Tend to customers.  That means working over the kids as much as the adults.  So I would hold animals for the kids to pet.  Their parents were VERY appreciative of that.
* Learn about products/animals.  The internet is a wonderful thing and I spent 90% of my waking time researching for this job.
* Look up the number on a puppy's collar and go to their index card for the price and say, "He/She had all of her shots and deworming.  He/She is 14 weeks old.  He/She is $1199".  Did it.

What I missed:

* That bloody water bottle, a dead rat that I thought was SLEEPING a couple of hours ago apparently was being eaten by other rats.  What am I supposed to do?  Shake every cage?  No one else did that.
* Not being able to say "hi" to 32 people at once.  NO ONE else was doing this!  No one even said "hi" to the rich customers!  I was the only one forced to to this.  Why?  No idea....
* Not being fast enough to have everything 100% perfect for the customers in under an hour.  Like I sad, I never did most of this stuff before.  I've had fish, a hamster, cats, and dogsat for my grandmother.  Never had a lizard, snake, spider, guinea pigs, rabbits, chinchillas, etc.  AND lizards ALL have different diets.  Some with fruit some without some with crickets.  The desert ones don't get misted but all the others do.  Don't forget to mist the birds and hermit  crabs.  Don't mist the scorpian.
* Not knowing where everything was.  I'm NEW.  HELLO?!  Also, they didn't have any of the isles labeled so not even the customers could find anything.

What I did right:

* I was polite, friendly, and extroverted.  For people who know me in real life that is a huge shock.  I'm usually polite, but I'm so introverted that I sometimes forget my manners.  I'm friendly-ish but kind of shy, which people mistake for "snobby".  I'm quiet and introverted (though certainly not online) because I have a slight issue with stuttering when I'm nervous.
* I sold a $65 dollar rabbit.  The rabbit unfortunately went to an asshole and I REALLY didn't want to sell it to him but my boss kept giving me these looks that said that I'd be canned right then and there if I didn't.  Apparently the only care about money and not whether or not the animals go to a good home.
* I sold a $900 puppy.  I even carried it out the to man's car.  He was a 60 year-old man who was crippled in Vietnam and was crying over his recently deceased dog.  He kept saying, "I"m sorry.  I'm crippled."  I kept saying, "Thank you for serving our country and protecting our freedom."  I made a CRYING man SMILE, which apparently meant nothing to them.
* I made several sales regarding fish, mice, rats, and hamsters.
* Went to another co-worker if I didn't know something by saying, "I apologize, I'm new.  I'll find someone who can answer your question, sir/ma'am."

What I learned:

* Ignore the poor/middle class.  They are worthless.  Only be polite to the wealthy.  
* No matter how much time you spend researching for a job it doesn't mean that you'll be good at it.
* Don't warn people about the negative traits of an animal.  Just sell it.  Nevermind that they could return the animal at any time for a FULL REFUND.  Mind you, I only ever did this for the rodents because they are active at night and will keep you up with their antics.  No one likes cranky children.
* Sell an animal to whoever wants them no matter what, even if you have a REALLY BAD feeling that that person is going to abuse/neglect the animal.  I don't know why this surprises me in the least considering how many orphans wind up in homes with "parents" who will abuse/neglect them because they only want the government money that comes with taking children in.

Would I ever work for another pet store?

I LOVE animals, but I would rather work with the ASPCA, where you actually have to give over two personal references to ensure that you are a fit pet parent.  It might not be much but still....

How am I screwed now?

I HAD a job as a maid, but she hired someone else so my hours with her were cut in half.  Also, my boss at that job is pregnant and its only her, the other woman, and me.  So I'll be out of a job for about four weeks.  I can only hope that this new woman doesn't work out.  In the mean time, I'm looking for ANOTHER job yet again.  I can't find one in my field (English and Web/Graphic design) because they want experience over education.  Wonderful.  College just doesn't seem to be worth it's salt anymore.

Thus ends my rant.  Thank you.  I needed to get this off my chest.

Remember that graphic design job I had?  Well.......  Not anymore!  Apparently the other new person and myself were just TEMPS to help them get caught up on back work.  As soon as work ran out of work for us we were let go!  

Now here is why I think this:

* We were given boring work that ANYONE could learn in a matter of minutes.
* We never learned anything beyond the work we were given.
* We were never given ANY kind of feedback, positive or negative.
* There was a girl hired four months before us and SHE was given an announcement on the company billboard/blog by our employer that she was joining the team.  We weren't.
* When we were interviewed it was by the supervisor NOT HR.
* When we were hired we were contacted by our supervisor first and HR second.
* While we were there nearly EVERYONE was very cold towards us and friendly with each other.  So we felt like we weren't welcomed.
* When we were fired we were told that we were too slow or inaccurate with what we were doing even though the other workers were just as slow and even more inaccurate at their jobs.  In fact, part of MY job was to catch THEIR mistakes.
* This happened to me before at another job where as soon as I got them caught up I was let go.  It's a common practice among companies these days.

Unfortunately as unfair as this practice is there is a silver lining to every pitch black cloud.  I gained SOME experience in my field and grew a little wiser.  I also made a fair amount of money and that's nothing to sneeze at either.......

These are some signs to look out for when you are hired by someone who might let go of you after a month or so.  I'm just sharing this with people so they aren't as shocked or as confused as I first was.  It's a terrible job market out there so good luck!

I just got a graphic design job!  *Squeals loudly*  I can't believe it!  I'm so excited!  My face hurts from smiling.  My head hurts from squealing.  I'm just so happy!  ^_^