I'm so guilty of this. I joke around about ADHD and liken it to having my own personal "mind playground". In many cases this is true. I have to take a sleeping pill every night because if I didn't, I would never sleep. I have so many worlds, characters, and just ideas in general swimming around in my mind at night. It is utter chaos. I will try to sleep and then I will get caught up in a whirlwind of magic and make believe. It sounds whimsical and wonderful. Some days it is.
But there are some days where all I want to do is go out, buy a gun, and blow my brains out. With ADHD comes very little understanding, people without the condition abusing ADHD medication, many jokes from other people, and severe depression. When I was in school I was convinced that I was stupid because a boy said "you use Ritalin, you must be stupid". It didn't even matter that my grades said otherwise. I thought that I must be stupid. I couldn't focus or sit still if my life depended on it and to this day, my memory is complete and utter shit. I'll make a check list but then I forget to look at it for days. The only reason my bills get paid on time is because I'm so paranoid about forgetting them. I try to be positive but I always wind up being negative. I have a very bad temper. A lot of this can be attributed to ADHD.
ADHD is often missed in adults as it shares so many same traits with depression that the depression will get treated but the ADHD will be completely missed. In other words, without treating the whole problem, you're just covering it up. You may as well take a placebo instead of a zoloft. ADHD is made fun of, misunderstood, and over diagnosed to the point where of financial/work place assistance for it, there often isn't any to be had. No one sees it as a disease. They see it as someone who is lazy yet hyper and immature. Considering ADHD can sometimes be misdiagnosed as BRAIN DAMAGE, I'd say that that's a pretty real and serious disease.
ADHD can impede upon one's ability to form lasting relationships romantic or otherwise. This is incredibly painful for all who are involved, especially the person with ADHD as we're usually the ones who are dumped. ADHD includes impulse control. We can's shut our mouths and often cheat on our lovers. ADHD increases the likeliness that the victim will become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. My addiction? Writing and the internet. It's so bad that I come home right after work and get on my computer. It's so bad that I will feel anxiety if I am not on my computer. I'm amazed that I have the self-control to keep from surfing the internet at work.
Depression truly does cause physical pain. When I'm happy I'm on the top of the world and so damn hyper it isn't funny. When I'm depressed I want to curl up and disappear. I don't even sleep. I just lay there on the sofa and watch funny videos on youtube, hoping for a laugh, all the while my heart feels like a led weight because I'm suffering from writer's block. Me! The woman who needs to take sleeping pills to shut her brain up so she can sleep!
Do I care if you learn anything by my writing this? No.
Do I expect people to stop taking ADHD as a joke? Hell, I probably won't even do that! I just needed to rant.
Will I actually blow my brains out? Maybe one day... I'm tired of feeling alone and helpless no matter how proactive I try to be about my ADHD and depression.
What am I doing to help my depression? Writing, listening to "happy" music, working out, cooking, baking, jewelry making... I only work part time so I have no insurance. Obama care and the like is SO over priced in my area that it's just cheaper to take the fine.
Do I want attention/sympathy? Not particularly, but I am on a soap box. I'm going to get off now because my ass hurts, part of the fun of being part Japanese and not having an ass...
Listening to: Jean Sibelius
Reading: My Novel
Watching: Food Network
Playing: Borderlands 2
Drinking: Green Tea